Articles of note about the Amazon Rape T-Shirt weekend

The Angry Mob cartoon by Tom Gauld

Timely cartoon by my old chum Tom Gauld posted to his Tumblr.

Jo Lindsay Walton: Keep Calm & Put It On

More generally. The things we buy and sell tell us, indirectly, about what is and isn’t okay to do. The law in modern complex societies is vast, complex and opaque, known by most people mostly through inferences, heuristics and non-propositional savoir faire. Lots of little hints overlap to reinforce a norm. There are all kinds of institutions and practices which nudge us down lawful paths (and in fact, often without teaching us why they’re nudging us). Markets are an important part of this. Markets don’t just transmit information about demand and supply: they disseminate all kinds of information about all kinds of things.

Tim Maly: Algorithmic Rape Jokes in the Library of Babel

Amazon isn’t a store, not really. Not in any sense that we can regularly think about stores. It’s a strange pulsing network of potential goods, global supply chains, and alien associative algorithms with the skin of a store stretched over it, so we don’t lose our minds.

Metafilter: What if Skynet just wanted to piss us off? including:

Malor: You guys, in all seriousness, do tons of damage to your anti-rape messages when you do crap like this. You’re crying wolf, when there is no wolf, just a scarecrow that looks wolfish. And you keep insisting that it’s a wolf after it’s been carefully pointed out to you that it is, in fact, a scarecrow, even after the owner politely took the scarecrow down and apologized for having frightened you.

rory: He “produced” via an automated process the hypothetical possibility of there being such T-shirts. Basically, it’s thoughtcrime where nobody actually thought the actual thoughts.

Merseyside Skeptics: Can the sale of pro-rape T Shirts really be attributed to misfiring design algorithms?

If the “computer did it” hypothesis is correct, I reasoned, I should be able to analyse the products still on-sale and calculate the original words used to create them. I can generate a list of slogans with those words and check if they appear on an SGB product. If every possible slogan is on sale, that supports the theory that this was an unsupervised computer program. If some are missing, it could indicate a human editor.

I quickly wrote a program that fetched any SGB product featuring the words “Keep Calm and”. It picked apart the description and recorded which verb had been used and which words terminated the sentence. Within minutes, I had a list of 759 verbs and eleven terminators.

A second program took every combination of those words, a whopping 8,349, and cross-referenced against SGB’s product list. With a few exceptions, every combination was on sale. The missing slogans were the ones apparently withdrawn after the scandal broke. It seemed pretty likely that the shirts were uploaded by an automatic process.

Will add more if I find them.

80,000 people have seen a photo of my neighbours’ kittens

Well, that was an interesting weekend. I have a few posts I need to write off the back of having a blog post go epic viral, both about the topic itself and what it means for me. I’ve been doing a lot of processing-in-public on Twitter (a fucking lifeline given Fiona is in London for a forthnight and it’s just been me and the rabbits). Suffice to say I’ve got plenty to say.

But the main thing that’s struck me over the weekend is how I have a fantastic case study at my fingertips for what it’s like to have a piece of content go unexpectedly viral and a shedload of lessons learned from how I dealt with it. So that’s what this post is going to try and deal with. I don’t necessarily have the answers yet, or even a proper understanding, so I think the best approach at this stage is to account for everything chronologically, starting just before midnight on Friday.

So yes, this is going to be a long post.

I’ve been in a bit of a funk for the last week. Work-wise, outside of Photo School, it’s all very transitional with nothing concrete on the horizon and I’ve been having trouble getting some focus on the scary-to-me job of identifying and productising my skills. So, faced with a block I did what I know normally works – I wrote something daft about baby rivers in Stirchley for Paradise Circus. This is the mental equivalent of going for a jog and getting some air in your lungs, kicking the dust off and limbering and well you get the idea. And having done that I settled down to an evening on the sofa reading stuff and skimming through the Twitter, as you do.

Around this time the Twitterstorm was brewing and I saw a couple of mentions in my stream. Usually with these things I just skim past them, whirlwinds of outrage not being something I enjoy, regardless of the topic. But there was something about this that chimed with my limbered up mind and I clicked through, did some comparative searches on Amazon and looked at the tweets. As usual, the outraged were misunderstanding a fundamental point (which is to be expected in these scenarios) but the issue here was really interesting. They had no idea of the process leading up to the thing they were upset about. At all. They were projecting evil intent onto what seemed to me to be an automated process gone horrible wrong, what I later learned is known as a pathetic fallacy. (Though you can imagine how well that would have gone down – “It’s okay, your upset over these shirts comes from a pathetic fallacy. Do calm down.”) Not only that but the whole process itself that lead to the shirts being sold showed a fundamental lack of understanding by Amazon sellers and Amazon themselves of what the tools of their trade can lead to. More importantly, no-one was being stupid. These were intelligent people who cared about important things making a massive category error out of ignorance, not irrationality.

In other words, this was a great example of the importance of Digital Literacy. Digital Literacy is something I teach and consult on in various forms, usually calling it “understanding the Internet and stuff”, and I used to write blog posts explaining the strange phenomena of emerging digital platforms quite a lot, back before the dark cloud of “Social Media” floated in around 2009 and it all became very annoying indeed. Revisiting the old game wouldn’t hurt and could even be fun, I figured. I might even get a bit of work out of it.

So I wrote this 1,100 word post lying on the sofa using the wheezy old Macbook into the early hours. At 1:35am, two hours after I first noticed it, I hit publish.

It should go without saying that I wasn’t writing for a mass audience. The last time I did that was the Power And The City thing I did about Birmingham for Paradise Circus over Christmas. That took me five days to write and was proof read by others. It got 1,500 hits and I was very pleased with that. While I’m very happy with the Amazon piece and was certainly on my game that night, it really was knocked off on a whim. I expected my usual audience to read it on Saturday and for it to quickly fade away. It was not designed in any way for a tens of thousands of brains.

That is not an excuse for its failings. That is not modesty on my part. That is simply a fact.

So, how did it go viral? It’s impossible to say for sure but I have some clues and assumptions I’m fairly happy to stand by, or at least throw out there.

The title was literal and summarised the whole post. Or, as my digital subeditor partner Fiona would say, is SEO’ed. My blog posts titles are usually like the one on this post – meaningless to pretty much anyone but me. This one was closer to the schlock you see on Huff-Po and the content farm sites. The URL slug was even more SEO friendly. WordPress stripped the maths out of “Dictionary + algorithm + PoD t-shirt printer + lucrative meme = rape t-shirts on Amazon” turning it into very long nonsense so I re-wrote it as “keep-calm-rape-tshirt-amazon” which says exactly what the post was about. These two things are important because they create a direct semantic link between the article and the discussion. If someone sees this in their Twitter stream, shortened to “keep-calm-rape”, they will know immediately what it’s about.

I was first to market. I haven’t traced it back completely but I think I came across the Twitterstorm around the time it was starting to pick up, or at least within a couple of hours. By the time I published, at 2am on a Friday night, there weren’t many other articles up there, certainly none explaining the algorithm aspect. Through sheer chance I provided the Internet with the first useful resource at the right time. But that doesn’t mean the Internet had to use that resource.

It was well seeded on Twitter. I must point out here that all I did was publish the post and tweet the link with text that meant it might turn up in a search. I had done nothing else to publicise this all weekend – just sat back and watched it. But someone else did. A lady from Seattle called Arthaey Angosii, who didn’t know me, found it in a search and tweeted the link fifty-nine times to individual people in an effort to educate them. I would never have done this because it’s a bit spammy and, from what I’ve seen, never really works (emotional responses and rational explanations are like oil and water on the Internet, Andy Mabbett’s monomaniacal anti-balloon release campaign giving plenty of examples). But it was 2am and I was off to bed, so I didn’t try to stop Arthaey. She seemed to be taking any heat herself and what was the worst thing that could happen? Some people outside my network read my stuff and learned something? I could live with that.

Celebrity endorsement. I’m fairly convinced that Twitterstorms are fuelled by celebrities. They don’t cause them, but they do inject a massive dose of nitrous oxide. I can’t pin it down exactly, but it seems the post was passed around the networks of minor media celebs like Caitlin Moran and India Knight on Saturday morning. I have no idea what their influence was but it didn’t hurt in bringing the first milestone – 10,000 hits at noon on Saturday.

That’s about all I can be certain of. It was early, it was unique, it was useful, it was clearly labeled and it was of interest to people with influence. Oh, and the seeding/spamming. Don’t forget that.

Okay! So it’s noon on Saturday and my blog post has gone totally viral. What happens next?

Well, the first thing I did was put some damage limitation in place on two fronts. I closed the comments and I switched on a WordPress plugin.

In the last year I haven’t been switching comments on by default on my posts. I noticed a disconnect between what I wanted to say and what those reading it wanted to say and it was annoying, particularly on those posts which were more personal to me. If someone wanted to make a point they could blog it themselves, or use Twitter, or send me an email. I didn’t see why I should be obliged to provide a forum for discussion on my personal website if I didn’t want to. But this post wasn’t about me and I suspected people might have questions, so I ticked the Allow Comments box. By Saturday noon there were 35 comments, mainly from people I didn’t know, and it was turning into an adjunct to the wider shitstorm, something I really didn’t want to host. Managing something like this requires a hell of a lot of time and effort and someone had just managed to deduce from my post that I was the person responsible for the t-shirts, so I closed the comments. It would have been nice to have hosted a discussion of the digital literacy issues but that wasn’t going to happen under this particular post.

I also switched on a plugin called WP Super Cache, something I never thought I’d have to do. Rather like the t-shirts, pages on this blog don’t exist until someone asks for them. WordPress gets a request from the server for a certain page and it creates it on the fly, taking the content, title, comments, sidebars and other ephemera from the database. For normal use this is perfectly fine but it doesn’t scale well. Creating hundreds of page a second can overload WordPress, the equivalent of a spinning beachball on your Mac, and is usually the cause of the blogs you find on the front page of Reddit crashing. WP Super Cache solves this problem by storing a “static” copy of the page and serving that, bypassing the WordPress page creation and saving a hell of a lot of processing power. There are downsides to this system (if you change a page element such as the sidebar it isn’t updated until the post itself changes) but for rapid deployment of thousands of copies of the same page it’s invaluable. The last thing I needed was for my hosting to crash.

And then, the phone rang.

The first call was from Channel 4 News. They wanted to interview me on television, or something. One of the things I really hate above all else in the modern media landscape is television news. The superficiality, the breathless sing-song reporting, the fundamental inability to do any kind of useful analysis… television news is the worst thing because it gives this illusion of being a good thing. And it has that really annoying broadcast media superiority complex. Not to mention the journalistic obsession with “story” and “conflict” would mean I’d be crowbarred into a narrative against my will. Suffice to say I’d rather stick my head in a pig. So I said no. They got Jim Killock from the Open Rights Group to do it in the end, but that wasn’t to be the end of my interactions with Channel 4.

Shortly after the phone rang again. This time it was Sky News and I cut them off pretty sharpish. No need to justify my kooky opinions about television news – the Murdoch factor made it a no-brainer. Half an hour later a chap from 5 Live (turned out to be Tim Levell calls and, as talk radio is only slightly better than TV news, I turn him down too, though he does make an interesting point: roughly “you say you want people to understand this, and we can help” so why not use that? I guess because it’s not on my terms, not in my control. I’m already losing control of my words as they’re spinning across the Internet and I don’t see the personal benefit of amplifying that. Especially as I’m very likely to come over as an arrogant, grumpy fucker on live radio. My writing might scale but my personality doesn’t.

That was it for the broadcasters, although I did later get a call from a lady at ITV News. This wasn’t about broadcast – she merely wanted to check about linking from ITV.com and how I’d like to be credited. She was lovely, polite and understanding – a real tonic. The story went live on their homepage and turned out to be all about me! Web expert: ‘Offensive T-shirts unlikely to exist’ it said! I got 9 hits from that story. Nine. That’s like 0.01% of my total traffic. Quite astonishing.

Meanwhile my Twitter name has been associated with the article and I’m starting to get “feedback” from people who can’t see my point through their righteous anger. They’re a tiny minority, of course, and I try to make a point of not engaging, because it’s futile. Sometimes I slipped though, which wound up with me being called an “apologist for rape”.

Which is really not very nice at all. There’s a school of thought that the best way to deal with this sort of thing is to engage with it in a calm, rational way. I’m fairly certain it isn’t, because the two approaches do not mesh. At all. These people aren’t necessarily stupid and their complaints are generally valid, but when the red mist is down there’s no talking to them, because if you do the red mist will fall on you too and then it all goes horribly wrong. So don’t bother.

Saturday was mostly spent with Twitter feedback, both positive and negative. And there was a lot of positive. The post was being spread mostly because people found it useful, and that was a great thing. Hardly anyone was linking it to negatively, beyond the understandable “surely not?” reaction. Only one person called me a “sub human piss man” but loads of people said thank you. So, on balance it was a good experience.

By 6pm things were, if not calming then stabilising. The shock was dissipating and I was trying to crack on with other work. And then Channel 4 put an article on their website with a sentence that accidentally implied peteashton.com was the company responsible. The words “automatically generated by a programme” were linked to my post.

The company behind the T-shirts slogans says they are automatically generated by a programme that just creates varieties on the famous "Keep Calm and.." phrase.

It’s clear they intended to use me as an explanatory reference, as one might link to Wikipedia, but the phrasing scared the shit out of me. I was already being called a rape apologist by people who couldn’t read properly. The chances of someone like that seeing that and following the link… So got their number and called the Channel 4 newsdesk, somewhat breathless with adrenaline, and a lovely man sorted it all out. News desks are surprisingly quiet places. You think they’re going to be all people with cigars shouting “stat!” but it’s all hushed tones and calm voices. Remarkable when you consider the hyperbolic hysteria they so often produce. Anyway, all fixed with my link moved to the bottom, out of the way and back in its context bubble.

The next day CNN got hold of the post and excerpted it at length but after checking for accidental libel I pretty much dismissed it. By then I’d realised that being quoted on a major news site doesn’t have any real immediate effect. Sure, a few people might make a note of who this person is (and I did get an email from a very notable person indeed), but the vast majority, the horde, aren’t going to click through. Three mainstream news sites linked to me sending the following traffic: CNN: 427, Channel 4: 171, ITV: 9.

(I’ll do more analysis of the numbers in a separate post as there’s a lot in there and drawing any real conclusions is risky. It needs proper processing.)

By now it was the evening, I was tired and wired and needed to decompress. A stupid movie was in order, the more overblown the better. 2012 was the first one I found and I’d forgotten John Cusack was in it.

The movie finished and I considered rolling off to bed. The worst of it must be over by now, surely? No. Now it was time for the Americans.

First, someone posted it to Hacker News, a stripped down message board for programmers which gets a lot of traffic. Within an hour 7,500 people came my way. Then it hit Reddit throwing another 1,000 people my way. Thankfully for my server there was already a main thread for the topic so I didn’t get flooded, but even so, making Reddit was a milestone. And then at 2am Cory Doctorow put it on BoingBoing, though it didn’t send much traffic due to the special way BoingBoing excerpts the meat of the source so you don’t need to click through. Not that that bothered me, but it was interesting to see a phenomena I’d seen complaints about first hand. Either than or BB really doesn’t have the influence it used to back in the days when a link from there could kill a website in minutes. Times change.

By 3am 65,000 people had looked at the page and I was ready to sleep.

My memory is that Sunday was as hectic as Saturday but looking through my Twitter nothing that noteworthy happened. It was more waves of aftershock and trying to get my head around the whole thing, along with tweaking stuff that, now it was under the bright lights of publicity, was looking ragged. My “about” page, for example, hadn’t been updated since 2010, so I redirected it to peteashton.com. There’s nothing like a few thousand new guests to make you spring clean a bit.

And that’s probably enough for this post. I now need to write some reflection and analysis, both of the issue of automation itself and of how I dealt with the sudden exposure. In both cases I’m hoping my writings will be useful to others so, to that end and that end only, I’m leaving the comments open.

If you have any questions or issues you’d like me to explore, please leave them below. But don’t post your own theories or points of view. It’s not that I’m not interested, it’s that this isn’t the place. If you do post something that isn’t helping me frame my future posts I’ll probably delete it, because you evidently haven’t read the post, and “not reading the post” is what led people to think I was excusing violence on women.

And if you think that makes me an arrogant tosser, well, I can live with that.

Thank you, again, to everyone who posted the link across the Internets and to everyone who read it properly. I really, honestly, genuinely appreciate your time and attention. Having a blog post go viral like this is really weird and at times uncomfortable, but ultimately it’s an honour. Most of the 80,000 will never darken my webserver again, but for those few who do stick around, I hope I occasionally live up to your expectations, and that you forgive me when I don’t.

Anyway, questions?

Dictionary + algorithm + PoD t-shirt printer + lucrative meme = rape t-shirts on Amazon

Addendum added 24 hours later:

Since I posted this at 2am on Friday night / Saturday morning 50,000 people have come to this page and it looks like more are on their way. A few of them have even read it. Most of those understood what I was trying to say, I think, and I’m grateful for their time. A small percentage didn’t, and since a small percentage of 50,000 is still quite a few, I feel I should make some things clear up front. (Monday: It seems to have topped out at 75,000.)

I am not the company that makes the shirts. Yes, you’d be amazed how often that crops up.

Explaining something is NOT the same as excusing something. The t-shirts are inexcusable. That should go without saying. I want to understand how they came to be (or not be, which is the question, as you’ll see).

Part of my income comes from explaining how the Internet, and digital technology, works and this comes under that remit. (More info on hiring me is here.)

Most of my writing gets a readership of 100 to 200 people, most of whom I know personally on some level, and I had that audience in mind when I wrote this.

I’ll be writing a post about what the fuck just happened tomorrow, maybe.

Now, with that in mind, read on!


For better or worse I’m not driven to write explanatory blog posts about the social media landscape these days. I think I burned out a couple of years ago and felt I was repeating the same stuff with more heat and less light. There were, I felt, more interesting things out there to explore, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do.

But every so often something happens on the internetosphere that is actually interesting to me in a fundamental, underlying way. This evening it came from the unlikely source of a Twitterstorm. These crop up all the time and are generally stupid excuses for outrage catharsis, but this one seemed different. For a start the source of the outrage was out of the ballpark. Check out these t-shirts for sale on Amazon:

Amazon Rape T-Shirts

Which, naturally, lead to a calm critique by some people on Twitter:

Photo_02-03-2013_00_27_40

Which is all entirely predictable and not at all worthy of note. I repeat, I am not interested in the Twitterstorm. What I’m interested in is how those t-shirts got on Amazon and why hardly anyone understands how those t-shirts got on Amazon.

First, let’s consider the traditional way a shop might acquire some t-shirts to sell. A supplier might contact them with a catalogue, maybe accompanied with some sales statistics and a pitch. The shop will place an order based on their purchasing budget and a few months later the shirts will arrive. They will be priced up and physically placed on sale by the shop staff who will try to exchange these physical goods for money. After 90 days or so the shop will pay the supplier for the shirts and, if they’ve sold well, order some more.

This is not how these t-shirts are sold on Amazon. And to understand how t-shirts are sold on Amazon we need to go through a few basics.

Amazon is not selling the shirts. Yes, they’re on the Amazon website and Amazon certainly take a cut, but the relationship is more like that of an eBay seller to eBay. Solid Gold Bomb is an independent company selling their stuff through the Marketplace, just as they probably do through eBay et al. Amazon is merely providing the sales mechanics.

The t-shirts don’t actually exist. If you go to order one of these shirts you see this message in the order box:

Add_To_Basket-2

“Usually dispatched within 6 to 10 days” which is roughly the time it would take, say, CafePress to print you a shirt. If someone were to order one of these shirts then Solid Gold Bomb would print one for them and post it out. Until that point there are no Keep Calm And Rape On t-shirts in existence.

Nobody made, or approved, the design. This is the headfuck moment that most people can’t comprehend. There’s a completely understandable assumption that someone decided it would be a great idea to sell Keep Calm t-shirts with the word Rape on them and, because they exist (which they don’t, but let’s assume they do) that there’s a reasonable demand for them. This is because we’re used to there being a cost in producing a product like a t-shirt and an economic requirement to mass-produce them in huge numbers. If there’s a significant cost then a decision has to be made whether to spend it or not. We’re looking to blame whoever made that decision, or lament that it was even an option.

But, as we see above, there’s no cost involved. The shirts don’t exist. All that exists is a graphics file on a computer ready to be printed onto a shirt if an order comes through. Still, you might say, someone had to make that file, to type those words and click save. Not necessarily.

The t-shirts are created by an algorithm. The word “algorithm” is a little scary to some people because they don’t know what it means. It’s basically a process automated by a computer programme, sometimes simple, sometimes complex as hell. Amazon’s recommendations are powered by an algorithm. They look at what you’ve been browsing and buying, find patterns in that behaviour and show you things the algorithm thinks you might like to buy. Amazon’s algorithms are very complex and powerful, which is why they work. The algorithm that creates these t-shirts is not complex or powerful. This is how I expect it works.

1) Start a sentence with the words KEEP CALM AND.
2) Pick a word from this long list of verbs. Any word will do. Don’t worry, I’m sure they’re all fine.
3) Finish the sentence with one of the following: OFF, THEM, IT, A LOT or US.
4) Lay these words out in the classic Keep Calm style.
5) Create a mockup jpeg of a t-shirt.
6) Submit the design to Amazon using our boilerplate t-shirt description.
7) Go back to 1 and start again.

There are currently 529,493 Solid Gold Bomb clothing items on Amazon. Assuming they survive this and don’t get shitcanned by Amazon I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they top a million in a few months.

It costs nothing to create the design, nothing to submit it to Amazon and nothing for Amazon to host the product. If no-one buys it then the total cost of the experiment is effectively zero. But if the algorithm stumbles upon something special, something that is both unique and funny and actually sells, then everyone makes money.

Yes, Amazon shouldn’t be advertising these shirts. Yes, Solid Gold Bomb should have checked through their verb list before starting the algorithm. But as mistakes go it’s a fairly excusable one, assuming they now act on it.

This is a great example of what I think Digital Literacy should mean. The world around us is increasingly governed by these algorithms, some annoyingly dumb and some freakishly intelligent. Because these algorithms generally mimic decisions that used to be made directly by people we have a tendency to humanise the results and can easily be horrified by what we see. But some basic understanding of how these systems work can go a long way to alleviating this dissonance. You don’t need to be able to write the programmes, just understand their basic rules and how they can scale.

Douglass Rushkoff coined the term “Program or be Programmed” for a book the other year and while his thesis is a little on the paranoid side the basic essence is true. If you don’t understand how these machines work you have no power at all.

Sunday: Solid Gold Bomb’s explanation for what happened is fairly close to my guess and is worth reading in depth.

Advertisement: If you’d like me to help you understand how the digital world works, I will happily do so for a small fee.

Birmingham Spells

I wrote a long article about how one might define Birmingham. It’s 3,000 words but I think it reads fairly easily. It’s not 100% coherent but it’s not really supposed to be a final statement, more a speculation and enquiry. Or something.

I’m fairly proud of it, in as much as one can be proud of a 3,000 brain dump, and it’s my first contribution to Paradise Circus, Jon Bounds’ and Jon Hickman’s new site picking up where Birmingham It’s Not Shit left off. The model they’re taking as inspiration is London’s excellent Smoke. They’re open to submissions if their manifesto appeals.

I expect my next contribution to be shorter.

Chiptune Karaoke Happened

In the ongoing saga of doing stupid things with electronics, I finally presented 8bit Karaoke tonight. It even had posters on the pub door and everything.

I’d been wanting to do this since the first 8bit Lounge back in September 2009 but for some reason it’s taken this long for Leon to hook a microphone to a machine that makes it sound like a robot. But he managed it in the end and I printed out a bunch of lyrics and presented the fucker. Here’s a video Fi shot of me trying it out early in the evening.

It didn’t get much better than that. But it was a useful proof of concept. Not sure quite what concept we proved but if nothing else we did something stupid in a pub. And that, my friends, is what life is for.

Notes on Fiona receiving a new iPad Mini

Preamble: I use Apple products a fair amount. Thanks to being gifted a Powerbook in the early 90s I’ve stuck with them ever since and have been pretty pleased with them. I’d like to be an ideological Linux kid, as it matches my broader morals, but life is too short. I’m deliberately ignorant of Windows so as to avoid doing family tech support, and have never regretted that decision. I own a Mac, iPod, iPhone, iPad and Apple TV. But while I use and enjoy Apple products I am not blind to their weaknesses. I do not think Apple can do no wrong. I think Apple can do better in places but I also believe it’s unhealthy for any entity to try and be the best at everything. This is not how civilisation works. That’s probably enough preamble.

Fiona got an iPad mini. Prior to this she had one of those budget Android phones that don’t do anything particularly well – the sort that the people who know about Android don’t tend to mention. She has a MacBook but doesn’t really use it in an “Apple way” – still on Snow Leopard, browser is Chrome, works in MS Office, etc. These notes from the last 24 hours are not intended to make a point. They are merely observations of someone very familiar with Apple’s ecosystem watching someone reasonably ignorant of them engage for the first time.

The iPad Mini is really nice. The weight and size are perfect in the hand. The scaled down screen isn’t too small, although bits of web pages can be a little tricky to tap accurately. I can see my next iPad being a mini, circa 2015 or whenever. The only downside is it’s definitely a personal device. I use my iPad for teaching as it’s big enough to hold up to a small group but this is too small for that.

The Apple ID system is a mess. I’ve had some issues with Apple IDs in the past but spread over the years it’s never been a problem. Fi seemed to hit them all at once. Like many people she’d set one up for some unknown reason many years ago. Let’s say it was under the name “fiona” and was associated with her hotmail email. When she bought her MacBook a few years back she managed to set up a new account, this time with the hotmail address has the name. So there seems to exist two accounts, one called fiona communicating through fiona@hotmail and one called fiona@hotmail. This is, of course, impossible. But there it is. The iPad asks for her Apple ID. She puts in “fiona” and it informs her that Apple no longer allow non-email Apple IDs so she needs to associate it with an email address. But fiona@hotmail is taken so she can’t use that, even though “fiona” is communicating through it. So she needs to use a different email address. We now have the following situation: The name of the account is fiona@gmail, but it communicates with her through fiona@hotmail, and somewhere is the name “fiona” but we don’t know what that’s for. Yes, it’s a legacy issue but an hour of faffing is not a great first impression of Apple’s “it just works” philosophy.

Games Centre is totally unintuitive. One reason Fi got the iPad was to play Letterpress. Yes, really, but have you played Letterpress? So we went to Game Centre and it’s not just ugly. It makes no sense. Fi assumed she would launch her games in there, since it’s called Games Centre, but it’s not for that. It’s for connecting with people, something it does incredibly badly. This is, of course, not news.

Home Sharing apps feels like a crime. It’s perfectly legal to share paid apps between computers on the same network, but it’s made so complicated (or has been allowed to become complicated through neglect) that doing so feels like a massive hack. This video explains how but note how towards the end the guy looks like he’s not exactly sure he’s explained it right? One thing he doesn’t mention is my shared apps can’t be upgraded, through the App Store or an in-app purchase, so it’s useless for most of them. But for expensive static things like games and maps it’s nice to have the option.

Setting up email, etc was a bit weird. Fi uses hotmail and gmail, one for work, one for not-work. Hotmail was fine, but gmail didn’t bring in her contacts, which are up to date as they’re synced with her Android phone. So that’s annoying.

iCloud is pretty useless out of the box especially if you already have a workflow that doesn’t involve the default Mac applications. I’ve slowly moved over to it over the last couple of years so maybe Fi will, but right now it’s just another thing she’s signed up for expecting to neglect.

Siri was a bit of a joke. Dictation is nice to have (I’ve been using it a lot since I discovered the mic is at the top of the device) but asking Siri to do specific tasks was pretty pathetic. My limited experience of Google’s voice search on their app shows they’re decades ahead of Apple here.

All said, she seems very happy with the iPad Mini. Which is not too surprising as it’s a lovely little computer.

The experience emphasised one big thing, which I kinda already knew. Apple are not very good at databases. In fact Apple are not that good at a whole bunch of things that other companies excel at. How great would the iPad be if Dropbox and Google Apps were integrated properly? Pretty great. But we’re not going to see that because big companies are psychotic children who can’t work together. I can understand Apple’s historical reasons for behaving this way – they remember the days when the things that made Macs desirable were controlled by Adobe and Microsoft who fucked them over, so they’re determined to control everything now. But it can’t be sustainable, not without annoying the customer.

Anyway, the good thing is the stuff that’s wrong with the iPad mini is all software based so it can be fixed in updates. Whether those updates happen is another matter…

Adendum: Forgot to add, I’ve been looking for a cover or case for her, since I went through the process myself earlier in the year. With the Mini being brand new it’s amusing to see loads of them on Amazon but each with a review saying it’s a fraction too small because it’s actually designed for a Kindle. Cheeky 3rd party case suppliers. Jiffy bags til the new year then.

Comments off because I have blogged about Apple and what do you think I am, an idiot?